That one person that your mother always warned you about.


Upon turning the spritely young age of 19 I decided that I was to become a Southern Californian. This was despite my skins inclination to burn whenever exposed to UV Rays and my lack of job/living situation. I then decided to let my mother be privy to my inclinations of moving to the great beast that is Los Angeles. Immediately upon receiving the words I had uttered her face started to contort and eyebrows drooped to meet each other; a sad puppy like expression of knowing that her duckling was leaving the nest.

Now I must note that when I was about 10 years old a movie came out called “The Parent Trap.” A sassy freckle faced redhead kid named Lindsay Lohan was introduced to the world as a bright new talent. Those of you who knew me back then, can attest to the fact that I was a similar looking, sassy, freckle faced redhead kid, who was unfortunately not making nearly as much money, and notably less famous. I did however, have people constantly telling me that I looked like “that girl from ‘The Parent Trap,'” and sometimes people thought I was her. It was tempting not to sign a phony autograph from time to time.

Needless to say, we have both grown up, but for some of us, grown chemical substance dependancies and mental illnesses. I believe that somewhere in my mothers brain she has linked us together as the same person though. She sees the hot mess her child could become lest she slip up and make a few bad decisions, hurdling her towards crashing cars on Sunset Boulevard and posing nude for Playboy.

Usually now, whenever I tell my mother about an interesting night I had in Hollywood, or if I was hanging around anyone famous, her response is something like “AAaaawww, your not hanging out with Lindsay Lohan and shooting drugs into your head and between your toes (this being because someone once told her that the models do that to prevent track marks…lovely) are yooouuu? AAwww, come home, I made banana bread and just picked some strawberries from my garden!” Fortunately for my mother, I have yet to cross paths with Lindsay Lohan and have thus avoided her tractor beam of drug riddled temptations and frivolous life choices. I am also thankful to say that given the current state of things, I do not look like Lindsay Lohan anymore. This being because I don’t have meth teeth, am not orange skinned, and have slept more than 4 hours in the last week.

Thank you mother for your constant care and concern, but I’d say Lindsay Lohan is taking care of warning the world of the pitfalls of drugs without anyone having to say a thing. She is a walking “Say No To Drugs” campaign.


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