If you watch one more episode of this Ally McBeal marathon you are on, I swear to Garfield, I’m gonna throw myself in front of the neighbor’s German shepherd and end it all! I don’t think I can take another minute of that anorexic grinch-lipped lady lawyer showing how she can work out her relationship issues all while juggling her high pressure career. This is as far as I ride this train unless some changes are made around here Jan.
For starters, you haven’t left the house in weeks and when you do it’s just to go to Blockbuster to get more terrible television shows on dvd. Last week it was Coach. Who watches Coach!? Who even watched Coach in the 90’s when it was on the air?! Go do something with your life…or at least watch better television!
Now, I know that this outburst may give off the impression that I love you and care for your well-being. You are mistaken. This is purely motivated by my own inconvenience and limitations due to your agoraphobic tendencies. You are robbing me of a well-rounded experience as a cat. You are always here, therefore I have no opportunity to walk my poop paws all over your kitchen counters. You have no friends; jilting me of the experience of ignoring people eager for my attention of whom I deem utterly unworthy. Also, I would like to have some time while you are out to catch and consume the goldfish on the bookshelf. Non-opposable thumbs require a bit more time when trying to do things like grab moving objects.
Please get up and go buy yourself some shoes that aren’t Crocs, or create an eharmony account; I don’t care what it is, just don’t hold me back like this Jan. (Also I look forward to walking across the keyboard while you are trying to type your “About Me’s” and such.) The other cats on the block are starting to talk. How am I supposed to keep up my street cred when I own such a terrible human being? Jan…?