Open your medicine cabinet. Catalog every pill, ointment, and product. What conditions do they treat and how does the whole lot add up to a statement about your mortality?
Toner – Because my skin is so complex that it literally requires a process I learned about in chemistry class in order to function properly. Apparently it’s all about balancing ph levels or something… I’m not sure, I did get a D in chemistry.
Toothpaste w/ Fluoride – Because the day will come when mine and Ryan Gosling’s paths will finally cross and inevitably he will want to kiss me. I am not in the business of being ill prepared or having the kind of breathe that would scare away a man. The fluoride is to equip me in my continuous use of all of sweets known to man. My teeth are sensitive.
Vaseline – Because my lips are pretty much allergic to most lip products. Back in 6th grade I had a major chapped lip issue. Nothing would help. Terrible red enraged skin started to take over my grill area. It was so bad I could have given Heath Ledger competition for his role as The Joker. Vaseline has been the only thing I’ve found that I can use without a reaction. …Dang, I should have just stuck with the chapped lips I’m now realizing… Heath was nominated for an Oscar for that role! An Oscar! It could have been mine! Oh well… I’m sure Ryan Gosling appreciates non chapped lips to kiss. Sigh.
Nail Polish – Because God forbid a woman have one part of her body that isn’t altered, painted, curled, or polished. What a ghastly idea!
Moisturizer – Because wrinkles are not on my agenda any time soon. It is rather inconvenient to constantly be mistaken for a 16 year old but in the long run I’m sure it will be a good thing. For now, I must never forget my id when going out.
More Toothpaste – Because who wants to be bored with just spearmint when you can have… other mint flavor.
An Unopened Bar of Soap – Because who still uses bars of soap? The communal aspect of it creeps me out. I’m all for community and team work, but I don’t need to be a part of whomever’s butt was being washed previous to my hands.
“Kool Floss” – Because I hate plaque almost as much as good grammar in marketing.
Tea Tree Oil – Because… I’m actually not sure how I’m suppose to be using this stuff. I just put it places it seems appropriate and hope to heaven it doesn’t end up in my eye.
Nose Shaped Pencil Sharpener – Because WHY NOT?!
It is amazing to me how many things the human body needs in order to function properly in today’s society. Most of the things in my medicine cabinet do not determine or influence my mortality though. They all seem to be focused more on keeping me presentable. Not having to worry about physical well being is something that it seems I take for granted. Instead of having to take a medication or pop a pill to keep my body working, all I have to worry about is which of my mint toothpastes today holds for me. Gratitude is in order.