A houseplant is dying. Tell it why it needs to live.

Dear Ikea Palm,

I never knew what I was getting into that day 4 years ago when I plucked you off the shelf in the garden section of ikea. My intentions going into it weren’t necessarily long term. I guess you could say we were just feeling each other out, you know, real casual like. I took you home, you weren’t high maintenance, you weren’t too loud and you looked good with my apartment so I thought, “Hey, this plant can hang.” Well, that was 4 years ago, and now a while has become what seems like lifetime. I have never before kept a plant, fish, dating relationship, or haircut alive this long. Ikea Palm, you have been my only consistency for the past 4 years, yet now, all of the sudden, just because I forgot to water you/put you in a bigger pot, you up and decide to start marching towards heavens gates, one brown leaf at a time? Why now? I have never taken good care of you before, yet for some reason now you are just deciding to give up. Is it that you are taking a stand, trying to be all dramatic so that you will merit my attention? Ikea Palm, you can’t die. You are my balance, my hope, the wind beneath my wings!! …and I also don’t want to pay for a new house plant, mama’s on a budget. Quit your bitching Ikea Palm, you’re just being selfish now.

Sincerely,

Aubrey Mayne

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[At Santa Monica office]

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